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Chill out, have a beer.. all non koi banter in here. Ladies welcome too!!

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By agw53 Rum Baba Rum Baba Posts: 492 
#72497
A travel agent looked up from his desk to see an older lady and an older gentleman peering in the shop window at the posters showing the glamorous destinations around the world:

The agent had had a good week and the dejected couple looking in the window gave him a rare feeling of generosity.

He called them into his shop and said. "I know that on your pension you could never hope to have a holiday, so I am sending you off to a fabulous resort at my expense, and I won't take no for an answer."

He took them inside and asked his secretary to write two flight tickets and book a room in a five star hotel. They, as can be expected, gladly accepted and were on their way.

About a month later the little lady came in to his shop.

"And how did you like your holiday?" He asked eagerly.

"The flight was exciting and the room was lovely." She said. "I've come to thank you, but one thing puzzled me. Who was that old guy I had to share the room with?"
By agw53 Rum Baba Rum Baba Posts: 492 
#72595
It snowed last night...

8:00 am: I made a snowman.

8:10 - A feminist passed by and asked me why I didn't make a snow woman.

8:15 - So, I made a snow woman.

8:17 - My feminist neighbour complained about the snow woman's voluptuous chest saying it objectified snow women everywhere.

8:20 - The gay couple living nearby moaned it could have been two snow men instead.

8:22 - The transgender man..women...person asked why I didn't just make one snow person with detachable parts.


8:25 - The vegans at the end of the lane complained about the carrot nose, as veggies are food and not to decorate snow figures with.

8:28 - I was being called a racist because the snow couple is white.

8:31 - The middle eastern gent across the road demanded the snow woman be covered up .

8:40 - The Police arrived saying someone had been offended.

8:42 - The feminist neighbour complained again that the broomstick of the snow woman needed to be removed because it depicted women in a domestic role.


8:43 - The council equality officer arrived and threatened me with eviction.

8:45 - TV news crew from BBC showed up. I was asked if I know the difference between snowmen and snow-women? I replied "Snowballs" and am now called a sexist.

9:00 - I was on the News as a suspected terrorist, racist, homophobe sensibility offender, bent on stirring up trouble during difficult weather.

9:10 - I was asked if I have any accomplices. My children were taken by social services.

9:29 - Far left protesters offended by everything marched down the street demanding for me to be arrested.

By noon it all melted

Moral:

There is no moral to this story. It is what we have become, all because of snowflakes...
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By Sopersonic74 Croquembouche Croquembouche Posts: 6584 
#72817
A kid walks into a general store, walks up to the owner and asks for a job:
The owner says. "you think you'd make a good salesman?"
The Kid says. "I don't know. I think so."
Owner says. "I'll tell you what. Next customer comes in, you watch me. If you think you can do what I do, you have a job!"
A few minutes later a customer comes in. The owner of the store says. "Can I help you?"
The customer says. "Yes. I'd like to buy a bag of grass seed."
"No problem." Says the owner as he reaches for a bag of grass seed. "Do you think you might want a lawn mower with that?"
"Lawn mower?" Says the customer.
"Yeah." Says the owner. "You plant that grass seed, you're gonna have a lot of grass to cut. You might want to get a lawn mower too."
The customer thinks it's a great idea and agrees. The owner sells him the grass seed and the lawn mower and the customer leaves.
The owner turns to the kid and says. "See that? That's selling! The guy wanted some grass seed and I sold him a lawn mower too! You think you can do that?"
The kid says. "Yeah he can do that."
So the owner says. "Great. Next customer comes in is yours. I'll just stand here quietly and watch. We'll see how you do."
A few minutes pass by and another customer comes in.
The kid says. "Can I help you?"
The customer says. "Yes. I'd like to buy a box of Tampax for my wife."
"No problem." Says the kid as he reaches for the box of Tampax. "Do you think you might want a lawn mower with that?"
"Lawn mower?" Says the customer.
"Yeah." Says the kid. "You're not going to be doing anything else for the next 7 days, you might as well cut the grass!"
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By daznotdaz Croquembouche Croquembouche Posts: 3367 
#73159
:handgestures-thumbup:
Attachments
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By bernard69 Sponge Cake Sponge Cake Posts: 18 
#73201
I’ve just seen a midget man climbing over the wall and climbing down the drainpipe of the local prison.i thought to myself that’s a little condescending.
By bernard69 Sponge Cake Sponge Cake Posts: 18 
#73295
I was in this nightclub when a blond lady was giving me the eye so I quickly made a move on her as I walked up to her she suddenly sneezed and he eye shot out towards me I just managed to grab it and give her it back she was a bit embarrassed and said that was so kind of you and she started buying me drinks all night long saying how nice I was and did not make a big thing about her eye . We carried on drinking and she invited me back to her for passionate sex all night. I woke up to a cooked breakfast then I asked her do you normally do this sort
of thing .she replied no but you just caught my eye.
By bernard69 Sponge Cake Sponge Cake Posts: 18 
#73296
My mate Simon appeared on stars in your eyes as he was just about to sing when Matthew kelly said to him Simon you have a sad story to tell us all .yes said Simon I was driving down the motorway with my uncle and we was in a collision with a lorry unfortunately my uncle passed away and I had my legs chopped off but fortunately for me they put my dead uncles legs onto me.great story said Mathew Kelly and asked Simon what his act was going to be tonight.simon reply tonight Mathew I’m going to be Simon and half uncle.
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By IrishMul Rum Baba Rum Baba Posts: 457 
#73298
An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman are all working on a construction site, building a new skyscraper in London. It’s lunchtime and they’re all sat atop the building. Englishman opens up his lunchbox to see what his wife has packed him.

“Ugh… Ham and cheese sandwich… again. I’m f***ing sick of ham and cheese sandwiches, it’s the same every bloody day. If I get another ham and cheese sandwich in my lunch box tomorrow I’m jumping off the top of this building.”

Next, the Scotsman opens up his lunch box. “Aackk, jam sandwich… again. I cannee go on like this eating jam sandwiches every day of me life! If I get the same again tomorrow I’m jumping as well.”

Next it’s the Irishman’s turn. “Ohh for fecks sake! Not another egg and cress sandwich! That’s the fourth one in a row this week! I’m with you boys, one more egg and cress sandwich and I’m jumping!”

So next day they sit at the top of the building to have lunch. One by one they open up their lunch boxes… Englishman finds another ham and cheese sandwich, so off he jumps, and splats into the ground below. Scotsman finds another jam sandwich… Off he goes…Splat. Irishman, egg and cress sandwich… Splat.

A week or so later later the three widows are talking at the memorial service. English widow says, through tears, “I still can’t believe it, had no idea George hated ham and cheese so much, if only i’d known…”

Scottish widow says “Duncan did say he was getting a bit bored of Jam, but I didn’t realise he hated it that much, I just wish he’d have let me know how he really felt.”

Irish widow says “I… I just don’t understand… Paddy packed his own lunch.”
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By grahaml Rum Baba Rum Baba Posts: 461 
#73320
The pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won. He was so happy that he entered it in another race, and it won again. The local paper headline read:PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT. The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race. The next day, the local paper read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS. This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey. The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent. The paper posted the headline: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN. The bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10. The next day the paper read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10. This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild. The headlines read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE. The bishop was buried the next day.
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By grahaml Rum Baba Rum Baba Posts: 461 
#73321
Its a good job china haven't got a cricket team.....
They only had one bat and look at the f@@king damage they've done :eek:
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By grahaml Rum Baba Rum Baba Posts: 461 
#73322
A man dies and goes to hell.
The devil greets him and says " you have to pick your torture, pick it wisely because this will be your torture for eternity "
The man goes through hundreds of rooms but can't decide, until he sees a room where a man is sitting on a couch, watching football on TV and getting a blow job from a cheerleader.
The man says "this is what I want to do for all eternity!!! The devil says "are you sure ?" The man screams in excitement, " hell yes!" The devil goes up to the cheerleader and says "you can stop now, I've found someone to replace you".
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By Sopersonic74 Croquembouche Croquembouche Posts: 6584 
#73324
grahaml wrote: Thu Oct 22, 2020 10:16 pm A man dies and goes to hell.
The devil greets him and says " you have to pick your torture, pick it wisely because this will be your torture for eternity "
The man goes through hundreds of rooms but can't decide, until he sees a room where a man is sitting on a couch, watching football on TV and getting a blow job from a cheerleader.
The man says "this is what I want to do for all eternity!!! The devil says "are you sure ?" The man screams in excitement, " hell yes!" The devil goes up to the cheerleader and says "you can stop now, I've found someone to replace you".
:laughing-rolling: :laughing-rolling: :laughing-rolling:
By agw53 Rum Baba Rum Baba Posts: 492 
#73392
Senior Sex

The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."

Yes, she says, "I remember it well."

OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"

"Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having
sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.

So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,

"Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."
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