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Chill out, have a beer.. all non koi banter in here. Ladies welcome too!!

Moderators: frankoi, Dixiedean

By Geoff9 Apple Crumble with Custard Apple Crumble with Custard Posts: 51 
#41509
Instead of "the John," I call my toilet "the Jim." That way it sounds better when I say I go to the Jim first thing every morning.


In a Catholic school cafeteria, a nun places a note in front of a pile of apples, "Only take one. God is watching." Further down the line is a pile of cookies. A little boy makes his own note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."


A teacher asked her students to use the word "beans" in a sentence. "My father grows beans," said one girl. "My mother cooks beans," said a boy. A third student spoke up, "We are all human beans."
By Geoff9 Apple Crumble with Custard Apple Crumble with Custard Posts: 51 
#41664
Bill and Marla decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their 10-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and order him to report on all the neighborhood activities.The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation."There's a car being towed from the parking lot,"he said."An ambulance just drove by." A few moments passed."Looks like the Anderson's have company," he called out. "Matt`s riding a new bike and the Coopers are having sex."Mom and dad shot up in bed."How do you know that?" the startled father asked."Their kid is standing out on the balcony too," his son replied.
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By daznotdaz Croquembouche Croquembouche Posts: 3368 
#42684
I was on a train this morning, in the loo, when a voice called out "Can I see your ticket please?"

"Not just now." I replied, "I'm taking a dump."

"I don't believe you." Said the voice. "Slide it under the door."

"No worries," I said, "the yellow bits are sweetcorn!"
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By Sopersonic74 Croquembouche Croquembouche Posts: 6585 
#43111
Five minute management course.
Hope you all enjoy this advice.

Lesson 1:

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.
The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.
When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour.
Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.'!
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.
The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.
When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'
'It was Bob the next door neighbour,' she replies.
'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'

Moral of the story:

If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

Lesson 2:

A priest offered a Nun a lift.
She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.
The priest nearly had an accident.
After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest apologised 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'
Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'

Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

Lesson 3:

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.
They rub it and a Genie comes out.
The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'
'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.'
Puff! She's gone.
'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of! my life.'
Puff! He's gone.
'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.'

Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.

Lesson 4

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.
A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?'
The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

Lesson 5
A turkey was chatting with a bull.
'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.'
'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients.'
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.
Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.
He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Moral of the story:
Bull sh!t might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there..

Lesson 6

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.
While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.
As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realise how warm he was.
The dung was actually thawing him out!
He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.
Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Morals of the story:
(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.

(2) Not everyone who gets you out of sh!t is your
friend.

(3) And when you're in deep sh!t, it's best to keep
your mouth shut!
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By daznotdaz Croquembouche Croquembouche Posts: 3368 
#43483
I heard some sad news today. After seven years of medical training and hard work, my very good friend has been struck off after one minor indiscretion and I think it's outrageous. He slept with one of his patients and now can no longer work in the profession that he loves. What a waste of time, training and money. A genuinely nice guy and a brilliant vet.
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By TAC Knickerbocker Glory Knickerbocker Glory Posts: 625 
#43525
"You've been a very naughty girl and I'm waiting for you to come home!" I texted my wife.

She texted back, "Do I need to be punished "

"Yes, severely" I answered.

"Just so you know, I'm not wearing any knickers right now " she replied.

"What has that got to do with you finishing all the bourbons, you fat c**t?" :laughing-rolling:
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By Sopersonic74 Croquembouche Croquembouche Posts: 6585 
#51733
One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess
I'd better see a doctor."
"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies.
"There's a diagnostic computer down at Aldi's. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it
It takes ten seconds and costs £10 A lot cheaper than a doctor."

So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Aldi's.
He deposits £10 and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.
Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:
"You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping at Aldi's."

That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled.

He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample from himself for good measure.
Joe hurries back to Aldi's, eager to check the results. He deposits £10 pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.

Thank you for shopping at
Aldi.
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By Sopersonic74 Croquembouche Croquembouche Posts: 6585 
#53630
Little Johnny asked Mum what two words meant that kids at school had been using

- “Pussy and Bitch”.

Mum inhaled sharply, but then said: "Oh, that's easy.

A pussy is a cat, like our little Chico ..

A bitch is a female dog, like our Sandy ..."

"Thanks, Mum.."

He then found his Dad out in the garage.

"Dad, the guys at school are using words I don't understand."

"What words, son?"

"Pussy and bitch. I asked Mom, but I don't think she told me the right meanings."

Dad said: "Son, never ask your mother about these things, ask me instead. Let me explain it like this."

He pulled a Playboy from his workbench, turned to the centerfold, drew a circle around the pubic area and said: "Son, everything inside the circle is pussy."

"Okay, Dad. So, what's a bitch?"

Dad replied: "Everything outside the circle."
User avatar
By Pat Knickerbocker Glory Knickerbocker Glory Posts: 586 
#53868
A MALE FAIRY TALE

Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess, "Will you marry me?"
The Princess immediately said, "No!"

And the Prince lived happily ever after, and rode motorcycles and dated thin, long-legged, full-breasted women, and hunted and fished and raced cars, and went to titty bars and dated ladies half his age and drank whiskey, beer, and Captain Morgan, and never heard bitching and never paid child support or alimony, an dated cheerleaders and kept his house and guns, and ate spam and potato chips and beans, and blew enormous farts, and never got cheated on while he was at work, and all his friends and family thought he was friggin' cool as hell, and he had tons of money in the bank, and left the toilet seat up.

The End.

+ The prince could have any size Koi pond wherever he wanted & visit all the Koi shows he wanted !
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By daznotdaz Croquembouche Croquembouche Posts: 3368 
#54550
Premature ejaculator seeks pretty young lady for fling.
Must have large breasts, curved hips, shapely tanned long stockinged legs and a shaved- aawwwww ffs sake! Never mind!
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By Sopersonic74 Croquembouche Croquembouche Posts: 6585 
#55084
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"
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